10/22/25

“Every star was once darker than the sky, before it awoke”

Those who grew up with me knew that some hobbies would take over my life. When I was younger it was soccer, I thought I could be one of the greats. But my love faltered and eventually I moved on. I went from soccer to music to cliff jumping to photography to writing to painting to skating to basketball. Each time I would put my soul into the craft but eventually I would give up and move on off handing the activity to be one of the many ways I would spend my time.

Exploring was never one of these hobbies. My first roof was in 2019 and my first bando was in 2022. I never lost interest but I never searched for it. I always looked into the sky but I never chased it.

Something changed in 2023. Exploring went from a pastime to an obsession. I looked into the sky with envy everyday. This time of my life was one of the most depressing. My unquenchable thirst for adventure coupled on by my self-limited expression was killing me. I was barely sleeping and my grades were crashing. March of 2024 was a low I had never seen. I contemplated quitting, moving on. To live a life with suppressed dreams.

Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it. Were the years of suffering, the constant evasion of law enforcement, the anxiety, the depression, the sleep lost, the classes failed all for the better? I’ve grappled with this question for months. Everyday the hole gets bigger but I keep digging.

Maybe one day I’ll stop and realize that what I was chasing was a phantom. That the hunt never stops. But if I never tried to fight for the life I live now, then part of me would still be living in that dream, trapped.

The day you stop dreaming is the day you die.

AM/WAS

9/4/25

This summer I’ve driven over 7000 miles and traveled over 25000 miles in total spending the time contemplating how I want to live my life. The following are bits I’ve been reflecting on that I wish to share: The past few years haven’t been kind to me. Despite my abundance of material successes, I’ve been becoming more and more depressed and anxious to the point it interferes with my behavior and ambitions. So, when the time came to go on my first real trip without family, I finally found an opportunity to outrun my worries. The constant worry I’ve been living with for the past few years… The company I’ve met along the way has been the most memorable part of this summer. I can’t even name all the friends and family I’ve made because there’s too many people. The one thing that’s helped me all these years are the beautiful people who’ve been my backbone and gotten me out of ugly places when things get rough. But something you eventually learn is that some friends are only temporary. Since I’ve been public about the lifestyle I live, many people have distanced themselves or cut me off entirely. As I left for my last trip, I was feeling excited and put together, but as soon as I got to Toronto I felt overwhelmed. Even crossing the border had my heart beating, and being in the largest Canadian city alone had my anxiety peaking. I don’t really know what I worried about; I was worried about everything. On one of my last nights in Toronto, I had my most memorable send with Ali and Caster. As we went up the stairs ten stories at a time, my heart kept beating faster and faster and by the time I got to the gate my hands were trembling. I felt as though I couldn’t go on. I kept finding reasons to quit. But no matter how hard I wanted to stop, I knew I had to keep going. And as I got higher and higher up the ladder, I felt my anxiety disappear. For the first time in years I was free.